Tuesday, January 25, 2011

It Flies It Does

Today my baby Jake is exactly 21 months.

I realized earlier that means he'll be two years old in just three months.

Two years old?


I wish there was a new way to phrase it that hasn't already been used, but honestly, where has the time gone?

I still remember driving to the hospital when I was in labor with him. (A little scary then. Pretty funny now. It involved a phone call from Ryan to his Mom, a nurse, to ask what to do in case he had to deliver our baby on the side of the road.)

I still remember the quiet hours in the hospital room, just he and I playing lullabies for my new little Jacob, admiring at his sweet face, and even what the light coming through the window looked like.

I remember all the insecurity of being a new mother of two, trying to figure out how to take care of two little ones, how I had to learn to accept the fact that I couldn't (always) do two things at once! The anxiety I felt when I had to leave the house alone with both boys for the first time...how it didn't go so well and I thought "How will I ever do this? How do other mothers ever do this?" (Still looking for answers to that one, but the one answer I have come up with: Just embrace the chaos.)

But in all the busy-ness of parenting two children, most of the days of these last two years are much more blurry than I would like to admit. They've passed and blurred and faded much faster than I remember them doing with my first child. Though I know its not unusual, I feel guilty about it. That has probably been one of my biggest struggles since becoming a mother of two...the lack of time to sit and soak it all in with your child. I remember with Thomas I would sit holding him for hours when I didn't have to, I would watch him sleeping all the time. I didn't really worry about rushing off the first moment I could to do everything else possible while he slept. I probably took hundreds of photos of Thomas sleeping, whereas I only have a handful of Jacob. I haven't been as good at *lingering* with Jacob, enjoying those moments. I want to remember forever how he looks when he's perfectly peaceful, off somewhere in dreamland. And now, with this third one on the way, my little girl, I can't help but wonder how hard it might me to just sit for a few minutes and enjoy her newness, her littleness, her delicateness. I want to be able to do that with all my kids! To experience all the phases of their lives, without ever being distracted, without forgetting so easily. But I know it isn't possible. I'm only one person, I can't live three lives, four lives! I wish I could.
Jake is my baby.

I honestly struggle a little bit accepting that he won't be my baby anymore, my "littlest," as I sometimes call him.

He'll be a big brother soon.

He'll have to be patient sometimes when his baby sister needs me more.

He won't be my baby anymore.

And very soon, he'll be two.

And it will just go quicker from there. That's the thing about time....it just gains momentum, it doesn't slow up, it doesn't eventually stay steady, it just goes faster.

I've said many times, I hope they have home videos in heaven. Because no matter how hard I try to document my children's lives in this life...and believe me, I try!...I can't possibly capture it all. No collection of photos or videos will ever truly be able to show me everything. I will miss things. I will forget things. There will be funny moments, poignant moments, common but priceless moments, that will fade eventually with the imperfections of human memory.

But I just can't accept that.

So if I can, during life eternal, I will spend days and hours and lifetimes reliving again and again all the sweet (and even not-so-sweet) days of my babies' lives.

The Countdown is On!

Today I am 35 weeks pregnant with Little Miss Laidlaw.


This pregnancy has gone fast, incredibly, oddly fast. I said that about my 2nd pregnancy, but this one is even more speedy. This pregnancy has been particularly interesting also, because, well...

It was more than a third over before I even knew.

Let me just say, Baby #3 has always been "planned"....Ryan and I have always known we wanted at least 4 kids. Maybe 5. (Maybe.) So I will not say this pregnancy was not "planned." It was just....unscheduled. =)

"So....." Someone might ask, "Were your other pregnancies....scheduled?"

Ummmmm....yes. =)

Very much so. We lucked out in the timing department.

But, I didn't expect that to happen with every pregnancy, so I was perfectly happy when in July I suspected and then confirmed that I was indeed pregnant.

The thing was, I had no idea how far along I was. Like...none. I had only stopped nursing Jacob in May, after he turned one, and Mother Nature had not yet, ahem, returned me to my regular course of nature, if yaknowwhatimean. So I had nothing to go off of!

I called my doctor to make the appointment...Dr. Young, my same doc from my first two...and I told them I guessed I was maybe 10 weeks along. But really I had no clue.

I went to my first appointment. My Doc always does an ultrasound at the first appointment.

Well guess what?

According to measurements (or something), he estimated I was already 15 1/2 weeks along!

I felt very surprised and to be honest, a little embarrassed! I had obviously not been in very good touch with my body, or my intuition! I had been having mild nausea, the same I had with my 2 boys, but it did not seem to me that it had been going on that long. And normally my nausea finally peters out at around 16 weeks. So I was almost done!

Of course, being so far along, I couldn't help but wonder....

Could they already tell me the gender?

I asked the doc. He asked if I really wanted to know. Um, YES!!! He teased me, asking if I was sure I didn't want a surprise this time? Um, NO!!! And then he typed "I'm a girl" on the screen.

I was very excited, and, probably a little noisy...you know me. =) But I couldn't help feeling a tad doubtful...I wasn't as far along as one usually is when they have the gender ultrasound. Plus, those were words I had often wondered if I'd ever see...I've often said that I've always had this feeling that I'd end up with all boys. I told my husband that if we never had a daughter biologically we would have to adopt one. Because I cannot go through life without a daughter!!!

Well, I have now had two more ultrasounds, and the tech assured me both times it is indeed a girl. Its a good thing, because I have already been stocking up on girly stuff!

I still can't believe sometimes that I'm having a daughter...it seems surreal to me, almost like its a first-time pregnancy in a way. It will be so different...I've never been mother to a daughter! I'm almost a little scared, because aside from the normal mothering tasks that I've already been doing for 4 and half years, I'll have a new job...I'll be the prominent example to my child, of what she can and will become. My boys watch their daddy, copy their daddy, they want to do all the things Daddy does. I've never had the same responsibility Ryan does in showing and teaching his sons how to be a man. But now, I will be the one to show and teach my daughter how to be a woman! It makes me think a lot about how much better I want to be, and how much better I want her to be than me. Its a very weighty, important responsibility to me and I just hope that I can do it justice!

So here's to 5 more weeks...I'm hoping a tad less. =)

P.S. If I remember, I wanna have Ryan take a baby belly photo of me today, or soon...I haven't taken a single one this pregnancy!

Friday, January 21, 2011

Oh, and Did I Mention...

I'm pregnant!

Actually quite pregnant!

Like less than 6 weeks away from being due pregnant!

(The whole world knows this already. But no matter how late, a blog announcement simply had to be made!)

I'm going to be a mom of three.


(I won't deny I'm a little scared. Okay, kind of a lot scared.)

But I'm excited, truly truly, especially because I have a whole lotta this in my future:

I love my two little boys so much, *SO* much, but I am so happy that I get to be the mother of a daughter!

Prepare to hear a lotta schmoozing about this baby girl in the future!

Hello World!!!

And Hello 2011!!!

(Wha? Wow. I didn't write a single post for the whole last half of 2010. Go me!)

Well, I've been arguing with myself about it for quite some time.....

To blog, or not to blog?

Because you know, like everyone else on the planet, I am quite bzzzzzzzzzy.

All. The. Time.

And I could easily just erase blogging forever from what I now call my "Infinite To-Do List"...

"One less thing, woohoo!!!"

But you know, I think I miss it...

So, I guess this means I'm starting up again!

(Me to Self: "Good luck with that Darce.")