A Rough Day

I'm writing this at 2 in the morning. I know, I'm nuts...I should be getting my sleep while I have the chance! But it was truly a rough day, and not really because our baby boy hasn't arrived yet.

Last night...or night before last night...Wednesday night, that is, since now its technically Friday morning...we put Thomas to bed and I noticed that his voice was a little raspy, and that he had coughed suspiciously a few times. We were worried he might be getting sick, and sure enough, at 2 am, he wakes up with an awful-sounding, barking cough...it turns out he has the croup.

I hate the croup. Colds and runny noses are bad, but the croup is miserable. Thomas has had it twice before, and its torture to listen to him cough/bark so hard and have so much trouble just breathing. It makes me want to sob to see how hard it is on his little body, when he's intermittently racked with coughs and then the next minute rasping and gasping and struggling to get enough air to even produce a cough. At least we knew what to do from past experience...we wrapped him up and took him outside in the cool night air, which opens up the airways and helped noticeably every time. He even started asking to be taken outside. We took him out every couple of hours or so starting at 2 am, whenever he would really start struggling again, and in between we mostly let him sleep in our bed...though there wasn't a whole lot of quality sleep to be had by any of us. I felt so bad for him...he would cry because he was so miserable, but the crying only made it worse and harder to breathe. He coughed so hard several times that he gagged and vomited. The croup scares him, and it scares me too...its hard for me to hide. It literally seems like he can't breathe at all at times, and that makes me want to freak out. I remember when Thomas got it the first time at around 8 months, I just cried and cried as we sat holding him, wrapped in blankets, out on the front steps of our house in the middle of the night. I kept thinking it sounded like he was dying! And its so cruel...the croup is the most miserable in the middle of the night.

Of course, on top of my misery for Tommy, I'm terrified about the baby getting croup when he arrives. I can barely handle hearing my robust almost-3-year-old so miserable, much less my tiny, brand-new, fragile little newborn. I kept thinking, "Luck is really being cruel to me. I'm one day overdue with a baby, he could be here anytime, and my toddler has the croup." Before, I was hoping the baby would come soon and I wouldn't have to be induced next week, but now I'm praying this baby waits as long as he can to arrive so Thomas can get better. I'm tortured about the idea of having to keep Thomas away from his brand new baby brother...I know he's going to be so excited and want to hold him and hug and kiss him, and to have to deny him that will feel so unfair. And croup is a virus, so it will just have to run its course.

I took Thomas to the doctor in the morning, hoping there was something/anything they could do to help him feel better and speed up his recovery. In the past when Tommy got the croup he often sounded pretty good during the daytime, but in the morning Thomas' breathing was still really labored and raspy, so I was pretty worried. The nurse practicioner saw Thomas and said he did sound pretty bad for the daytime, and that if he got a shot of steroids it might help, especially with the time it had to kick in before nighttime. He got the shot in his leg, and poor Tommy cried and cried afterwards...he was inconsolable for a couple of minutes and it just made his "barking" sound worse and worse...it broke my heart.

I think the shot is definitely helping though. The doctor warned that the 2nd night is usually the worst, but tonight I put Thomas down and fell asleep with him for a couple of hours, and he didn't wake up coughing once, and he still hasn't....knock on wood. His breathing sounds worlds better than last night too. I really hope the croupy symptoms will pass quickly...the CNP said he'll probably still have a cold after the croupiness passes, but I would gladly trade the croup for a cold. And the longer its been since the croup has passed, the more confident I will feel with Thomas around the baby...I know there's probably no way he'll be back at 100% before his brother arrives, but the doctor said the most contagious time will be these first few days, especially when he still has croup symptoms. We talked about the kind of care I'll have to take with Thomas and the baby, depending on when baby decides to come, and I really do hope this little one waits...if he arrives now, or quite soon, the CNP said she wouldn't want Thomas within 5 feet of him. I would feel so cruel to have to keep Tommy away like that, so I'm praying the baby will just wait...if Thomas is over the croup and just in the cold/recovery phase, she said it would probably be okay if Thomas had clean hands, a clean shirt, and a mask on when he comes to the hospital to meet his baby brother. Maybe its a blessing in disguise that our baby hasn't arrived yet...if he had, Thomas could've gotten sick when we had already brought him home, and then the contagiousness would be incredibly hard to avoid. *sigh* I wish I didn't have to worry so much now about something I've been so excited about...seeing my little boy meet his baby brother, letting him hold him and watching them together for the first time.

After I took Thomas to the doctor, we got lunch to eat in the car and then I took him home and put him down for a nap...or rather, carried him from the car to his bed, since he was exhausted from the night and had fallen asleep in the car (he had also fallen asleep 5 minutes before we arrived at the doctor's office, too). Ryan was working at home, so he listened for Thomas while I ran to make one more grocery shopping trip. I felt so depressed as I walked around the store, thinking about my sick boy and worrying about my baby. I felt so conspicuous too...even though I didn't see a single soul that I knew there, I kept feeling like people were looking me and my belly and thinking "Sheesh! When are you going to have that baby?" I was feeling incredibly eager to get out of there, yet I felt so down and so preoccupied I could hardly think as I stared at stuff on the shelves. I got home and when Ryan first came out of his office and saw me I just went over to him and had a little breakdown and started crying. It is so hard, wanting to be finished being pregnant, yet afraid to be finished for the baby's health's sake. I pray that Thomas sleeping well (so far) tonight is a sign that he will recover quickly, and that our baby will make it through his first days and weeks (and as long as possible!) without getting sick too.